Santa Theory:

Review: A Cal-Poly Engineer’s Anti-Santa Proof

santatheory — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 05:20:54 +0000

While hunting the web for evidence of Santa’s diabolical plans, I stumbled upon a fellow skeptic of Santa’s benevolence.

Here we have a quote from this professor’s impressively well thought proof of why Santa “can’t exist.”

“Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.”

Unfortunately, this reminds me of the cliche scene in so many movies where the good guy suddenly has an epiphany and the grand evil scheme of his Nemesis is laid out before his eyes as a vision from heaven only to find just too late that he is actually one step behind as he is captured and tied up.

Santa: [suddenly strolling into sight from the shadow of a dark corner of the room] “Congratulations professor (said condescendingly). *golf clap* Well done. As you have pointed out, I obviously do not have a magic sled, and I don’t give free gifts to the little children all around the world. I’m just surprised it took you so long to figure it out. Well you’re too late now, as my plan for world domination is nearly complete.”

I’m rooting for the professor as the stereotypical Hollywood hero who manages to overcome overwhelming odds to take down the evil mastermind at the last second, but in the mean time, I’ll be installing an alarm system in my chimney.

Santa’s Invisible Hand

santatheory — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:41:16 +0000

Secret organizations such as the Masons or the Tri Lateral Comission are said to have secret handshakes or other devices which allow members to identify each other without compromising the secrecy of their allegiances. Could it be that one of the most obvious such symbols has been right under our nose the last 100 years? As Santa’s international influence is growing (as mentioned in my previous post), so would his need for fresh talent.

Exhibit A:

Is Obama Under Santa's Thumb?

Santa and International Militaries

santatheory — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:10:00 +0000

Here is a particularly disturbing news item referencing Santa’s sphere of influence.

The bad news is that Santa’s not limiting his meddling to organized crime folks. He’s gone international. On the level of NATO.

Here is a possible way out: the NATO top job should go to a heavyweight Atlanticist politician, with expertise in defence policy, from a new member state. That produces a shortlist of roughly two: Radek Sikorski, Poland’s foreign minister (and former defence minister) or Sasha Vondra, the Czech deputy prime minister. Poland’s status as a defence heavyweight makes Mr Sikorski’s case the stronger. Let’s hope Santa sees it that way too.

http://www.economist.com/world/europe/displayStory.cfm?story_id=12836850

Be afraid.

Guess Who’s Comin’ o Town…

santatheory — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 02:54:50 +0000

First of all, I think the title says it all.

For the sake of comparison, let’s look at some other, non Santa-related Christmas songs. How about “Joy to the World?” As the title suggests, we should be happy, and the message of the song reflects the idea. Good things are coming.

Now let’s take a look at some of the lyrics shall we?

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

“Comin’ to Town?”

That’s the way people talk about mob bosses. “Hey Santino, you hear the “Don” is comin’ to town? He ain’t happy.”

Now, call me crazy, but this “Santa” doesn’t sound like somebody I want to meet. Imagine saying, “You’d better watch out, the Dali Lama is coming to town.”

He’s making a list,
Checking it twice;
Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town

Who makes lists and keeps track of who’s been “naughty or nice?” Mob bosses, gangs, thugs, organized crime, unorganized crime. The scary thing is, we’re just getting started.

He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

Maybe things are different in the North Pole, but in my society there are laws against Peeping Toms and stalkers. BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!! is the cry of a desperate, terrified, individual.

With little tin horns and little toy drums
Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums
Santa Claus is coming to town

“Little tin horns” and “little toy drums” are obviously symbols of military/violent strength.

Santa’s a busy man he has no time to play

Based on the lyrics of this song, rejoicing the coming of Santa seems like the worst kind of Stockholm Syndrome to me.

He’s got millions of stockings to fill on Christmas day

I’ll bet he does have a lot of “stockings to fill.” On a completely unrelated note, “Woman finds human head in bag.”

The Night Santa Went Crazy

santatheory — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 09:17:15 +0000

Here’s an artistic depiction of the pent up potential of Santa to go on a psychotic fit of blind rage.

“Weird Al” Yankovic’s song, “The Night Santa Went Crazy”